Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Well-Cascade is over (and boy is it).  I am not really sure what is going on, but my inner strength seems to be laying on the trail at San Diego or something.  When I read back to my last post, I am wondering who wrote that---Either some type of metamorphisis occured at San Diego, or my folks canceling their trip to come to the race (which sounds like no big deal, but I so wanted them to see our magnificent culture and I was SO crushed when they couldn't come), or the fact that deep down I wanted so much for this to be JOE'S day (as it was his 5th Cascade Crest in a row!)... I don't know what it was, but NOTHING about finishing White River or Cascade Crest while I was out there excited me...  Silly to even start huh?  There is nothing about a 100 miler that you belong doing if you don't have the desire to finish....  So, I started anyway???.... 
The first 11 miles went by pretty quick, but I had already resorted to the ipod by mile 6, I was "bored".  By the time I got to 23 I was already playing games with myself to keep going...  Running comfortably physically about 15 minutes ahead of last year at 23, Monica told me to slow down as my entire goal was to not do another San Diego.  (Dispite what I said about feeling normal a week later, it went downhill from there... I was messed up physically for a month for some reason-no equilibrium, only wanted to sleep, I was hormonal like a chick too!  YUK!)  Anyway, I do remember enjoying the section around Tacoma Pass on the PCT, and was excited to see Heather Anderson out there.  I have no idea how she has the toughness to stay out there for 2-3 months like that, but I have so much respect for that deep love and peace with the trails!  Between 23 and 33, I couldn't calm the rats down in my head-"why are you doing this if you don't want to?" "you are leading, you should be happy" "you will feel so good when it's all over" "I am hating it out here, and that pisses me off" "you feel fine, what the f%^k are you having all of these negative thoughts for" "you are such a pu#$y!" "so much for tough" "just keep going it will get better" "it's not getting better" "am I to the next aid yet?" "God these miles are not going by!" "how am I going to do 67 more of these" "I am not having fun" and so on...  While these thoughts are normal in ultrarunning, they were so Intense this day....  Got to 33 and told Monica "I don't want to be out here..." I was almost in tears (HOW LAME!)...  So I took off my bib and did the one thing I love-helped EVERYBODY while waiting for Joe....  When I saw him it lifted my spirits and I had fun crewing him the rest of the day/night.  Got to present the surprise of Taryn coming with the dogs to run him accross the line, so that was AWESOME!  Got to witness his dad being at the finish  I am so proud of him...  He had a crowd around him as so many people are proud like me of such a wonderful guy with a HUGE HEART!  So, still smiling from his victory and not aware of the emotion to come, I drove us home, grabbed our traditional Whole Foods salads and then the regret began....  I see him sore, exhausted, proud and I am dying to have that!  Silly huh?  Yes, I could've won the race, but that doesn't matter either, I want the feeling of spent (but staying out there running wasn't working...)  I AM LOST!  I cannot figure out my thoughts!  Sure not good at this stuff.  Work hard, be tough, it all pays off.  What do you do with yourself if you don't feel like working hard?  Where does that satisfaction come from then?  All I can say now is time will tell.....